The X Factor 2012: Auditions 19/8

Okay, so I claimed RSB would return. Well, brilliantly, I managed to miss the first episode. However, I did bother to look up the highly publicized Zoe Alexander, as, well, her breakdown is pretty much the most extreme thing shown on The X Factor. Well, it wasn't really a breakdown. I assume Cowell has been hanging around USA reality shows for too long and has decided everything should be scripted.

I think this is the one moment that I felt sorry for a contestant. Unless she is a drama student at the University of Emotional Torment, she was clearly shaken by the comments and seemed so incredibly angry at the producers. I strenuously believe she was exploited by the producers, and by extension the editors, of the show. She claims she was told to sing Pink, and Tulisa tries to shun that statement and fails, as she immediately claims that they didn't. As this audition was recorded many moons ago, any amount of editing could've been done to this clip. Televised, the judges seemed rational with their comments, but how do we know that was their genuine responses. Call me Mr. Cynical (which I'd appreciate; I've always wanted a proper nickname, and no, potato isn't a nickname, insider reference), but I don't think the show is as truthful as portrayed. Okay, so maybe that's not cynicism, that's just having a fucking brain.

There was also news that she was arrested, and unless this happened after her audition, as in, directly after, this is total and utter bollocks! That's right! BOLLOCKS! Is that highlighted enough for you? If someone is arrested for how they were portrayed on a pre-recorded TV show, then the policeman who decided to make the arrest is a wanker, and was probably the subject of this side-splittingly hilarious, classic joke.

"What did the policeman say to his tummy?"

You're under a vest.

Yes, the claim of hilarity was intentionally sarcastic. Anyway, back to ranting at twats. If you arrest someone for how they acted on a TV show, then you might as well arrest Tom Hardy for beating up Batman. For all we know, Tulisa threw a mug at Zoe Alexander (yes, I will use he full name every time) and called her the daughter of Satan and Osama bin Laden. Okay, so that statement implies Satan is female, but who gives a shit.

*sigh* Sometimes I really want to defend X Factor for livening up my Saturday nights, in a way that doesn't involve an unnamed console of some description (PS3), but sometimes the production makes me so angry that I want to punch a dog in the face with a garbage truck.

But I digress, I will try and get back on form next week. I'll be looking out for somebody that can sing quite well that hasn't got a exploitable relative with a terminal illness. Those are usually my favourites.

Oh, and I'd like to credit some people, who in all honesty wouldn't care if I fell off Ben Nevis. The first is the person that gave me the idea to do these blogs, Stuart Heritage. Follow this genius NOW. You may also notice, if you are a gamer, I write with the same mannerisms as Ben Croshaw without being funny. Here is his blog.

Return of RSB

Reality Show Breakdown returns...

18/8/12

Ten Things That Should Come From The X Factor

With the final in poking distance, I'd thought I'd share my opinions on what should come out of The X Factor this year, and why.

Johnny Robinson getting a Talk Show
He's witty, he's entertaining and he is as camp as fuck. He is practically Alan Carr, and can sing. I'd imagine he'd be a charming host of a show similar to Chatty Man or The Jonathan Ross Show and could always end with some sort of musical performance. Maybe he could get a group/singer on that performs a song, then Johnny duets with them. That would be really awesome.

Kitty Brucknell Getting Signed
If Kitty ever gets signed, I would like to see it with a label like Cooking Vinyl that will allow her to create her stage theatrics and also allow her to generally do what she wants. Her Marilyn Manson-esque version of Sweet Dreams was a highlight of the series and proved she has an amazing rock voice. If she mixed her obvious loves of Pop, Rock and Theatre I feel she could become an amazing artist.

Little Mix Getting Signed
While I have noted that the Blonde one is the good singer and that the Rihanna One, The Other One and The One We Cant Joke About aren't really good singers, they still deserve to be signed. They are better than most other girl groups around at the moment (Sugarbabes, The Saturdays, Etc) and if the give the Blonde one an actual lead singer role I think I'd like them more.

Misha B Getting Signed
Well, it's not like this isn't going to happen. It's obvious an R&B label will snap her up, and rightly so. She is a alright lyricist, and is tons better 'The Cher Lloyd'. If Misha has a variety of slow and fast songs, she will be successful and I would probably like her a bit more.

Marcus Not Getting Famous
I really don't like this guy. I'm sure he is a nice fella, but why he is still in the competition baffles me. He was by far the worst last week, and showing off the 'voice' a couple of weeks back shows that without an American evangelical chior behind him he is dreadful.

Kelly Rowland NOT Returning
Everybody is aware of my hatred of this talentless, American whore. She is this years Cheryl Cole for me. Actually, she is actually a carbon copy of her. They both retained from voting and both showed blatant favouritism. Kellys obvious siding with Misha was the most irritating moment of the live shows. The fact the Kelly wants Amelia to fail because she beat Misha is also disgusting and disrespectful. This scumball should be removed from the judging panel and replaced with somebody with talent (see further down).

Kitty and Amelia Duetting
At this point, I am not sure about Kitty and Amelia. I remember reading near the start of the live shows that they inspired eachother but on Amelias domination of everyone return she claimed she did not like the twist. If I assume correctly that it's spite with the bosses and not Amelia then this dream X Factor duet could happen. It's been noted that these two were my favourites, and if a duet happened I would download it.


Frankie Cocozza Being Found Guilty of Rape
This would be nice for everybody. Imagine the headlines. 'Tosspot Rapes Girl', 'Britains Wanker of the Year', 'Frankie Cock-Ozza', 'I Supozza did do it' and let's not foget... 'Wanky Frankie'.

Two Judges Being Replaced (Yeah... You Know Who)
There are two teams on the judging panel this year. Louis & Tulisa vs Gary & Kelly. I prefer Team Louisa to Team Gelly. That mean Team Gelly, your going home. The Voice UK is dominating the judges. Jessie J, will.i.am, Danny O'Donoghue (of The Script) and Tom Jones! That's a great mixture of genres there, and obviously, there a more big names. Come on, who is bigger? Gary Barlow or SIR Tom Jones? Exactly.
In my usual Rock bias, I'd replace Gary with Bruce Dickinson (of Iron Maiden) and Kelly with Lady Gaga (of  Crazy Land). Brucie was offered a role on The Voice, but sadly he replied with No. Imagine the song choices from this guy! Rock Week will be mental. Lady Gaga will be able to choose great songs for every theme as she is one of the most open minded artists I am aware off (she loves artists from Black Sabbath to Michael Jackson).

And finally... the obvious one...
Amelia Lily Getting Signed
If you didn't expect this I pity you. As I don't want to be known as a 'Lillie', because it's not unisex for predominantly obvious reasons, I am now Unofficial Leader of AA, or AFWAF. Those mean Amelia's Angiosperms (I will explain) and Amelia Fans Which Aren't Female. An angiosperm is the actual name of a 'flowering plant' and as a lily is one of them it is, along with it having the word 'sperm' in it, applicable to male fans.
What the bloody fuck is wrong with me.
Anyway, as it's fairly obvious why this is here, I can end now. Good Night.

The X Factor: Week 8/9 - The Breakdown

Sorry about the lack of the blog last week. I was too busy celebrating Janets exit. Let's run through the highlights quickly.

It was guilty Pleasures and Heroes week.
Little Mix did a rubbish first song.
Janet forgot her words, majorly, and was dreadful. Again.
Misha gave an alternative version of that Cyndi Lauper song, and it was passable.
Marcus did that Wham! song, and it was too samey.
Amelia did T'Pau, and among arguments, I still think it was better than song two.
Then was Heroes.
Little Mix did Beautiful, and it has been revealed the blonde one should be in the girls category, solo.
Janet did Red Hot Chili Peppers, made it her (probably) best performance, but was still not Live Show quality.
Misha B slipped in quality with Roberta Flack.
Marcus did an awful version of Lately.
Amelia did a Kelly Clarkson song, and it was her weakest. I see her doing this style as an artist, but probably with more power.

There was a 24 hour break.
The Muppets sang better than Olly Murs.
Jessie J did a Katy Perry.
They performed the charity single, with 10 seconds of JLS and One Direction.
The results were announced: Amelia, Marcus, Little Mix.
The final two was Janet and Misha.
Janet chopped up and defecated on Chasing Cars.
Misha was wearing a Cottage Loaf and 1/30 of a chandilier.
Misha did a song nobody has heard of.
Janet went.
I wooped.
I went to sleep.

Then came this weeks performances. The genius team behind themes decided Motown was actually a good theme, even though motown is worse than it was in the 60s/70s. Basically, it's Marcus 'Woo! Let's Go!' Collins week. Louis does his lost spaniel impression, Tulisa has washed her arm, Kelly wore clothes and Gary is still 40 (wait, my dad is older than him?) going on 84.
IT'S TIME! TO KILL! THE MUSIC!

Kelly announces Misha 'I'm still in the competition, U Jelly Bro?' B. She might be good at Motown. As you will not know, she did Aretha Franklin in the audition. Aretha Franklin is the one Tulisa hasn't heard of. Come on Tulisa Constavalos (oh yeah, I spelt that without wikipedia), even I have heard of Aretha and I'm under 20.
Anyway, heres a group I've never heard of, Martha and the Vandellas. They did Dancing in the Street, Misha song. It was meh. Also, she had a stroke 5 seconds in to the song.
Amelia then did... oh. An actually OK Motown song? Whatever nesxt. Ain't No Mountain was the one she did. The original was about romance or something. Amelias was about being back after being booted out. Clevah or summat. Let's say it was better than Since U Been Gone. She should still do E.T and Piece of My Heart again. I have a feeling audition songs will be a theme, but since Little Mix were formed at Judges Houses, it may be a Judges Houses theme. Even better!
I'm getting off track. Next up was Little Mix/Little Muffins/Lital Micks. Basically, the good singer wasn't used and the Rihanna one muffed up her words. I have a feeling they are slipping down in the odds to win.
Marcus 'Woo! Let's Go!' Collins came and sung My Girl. Even though he is gay. *gasp* Sexualityception! Yeah, he cant sing very well can he? Also, he was stationary, which removed his entertainmentness. He's now my least favourite.

THEN CAME ANOTHER SET OF SONGS! THEN CAME A REDuction in letter size.
Misha returned with Perfect by P!nk. That song is actually called Fuckin' Perfect, a sung biography of Misha B's weeks. She sung this because the song 'I Am Not A Bully, I Already Told You That. Leave Me Alone.' couldn't have the rights secured. Her best rap was in it though. Probably 'cause it wasn't sung in the style of a stoned Nicki Minaj. The other parts were too Bottom Two Ballady though.
Amelia then returned with another power ballad, and yeah, it was a powerful vocal performance. Still doesn't top The Show Must Go On, but it's a yes from me. FYI, if Misha didn't do P!nk, Amelia could have done Family Portrait. That's another missed trick, aside from Kitty not doing Born This Way a couple of weeks back.
Then it was Littl... wait... Marcus 'Woo! Let's Go!' Collins? Whatever. His worst performance since Moves Like Jagger. Please go Marcus. Please.
Then came Little Mix. They did a song that the blonde one did more in. It basically proved that the other three are shite. Also, Beyonce is still awful.

Marcus to go, he will never be any good. Ever. Again.


SUNDAY TIME!
The group performance returns, and it isn't the crappy charity song. Thankfully, it is a Wilson Phillips song. Too bad it is still mimed. And rubbish.
The it was that little prick. I nearly through my skittles at the TV, but I realized wasting Skittles on him was like wasting toast with margerine, or tea with sweeteners. He also stole JLS's lamps.
Then was Kelly Rowland, who did a performance weaker than most of the finalists could do. Except Jonjo. And Frankie. And Janet. And for now, Marcus. At least she sung live.
Lolresultstime. Rule of thumb for The X Factor. If you were in the Bottom Two the week before, you're announced first.
The first act through... Little Mix. That means Misha is going home.
The next going through is... Marcus. That better mean Misha is going home.
The final act going through... Amelia. That means Misha is gone.
Then Misha did a rap including Dermots name, and then sung Who You Are again. FYI Misha, it was better than Marcus.

So, the final next week! At Wembley! No, not the stadium. You cant put The X Factor in the same place as Muse. Gawd. I actually have the small feeling that Amelia will win it. With thorough research (or, looking through videos of the performances), I have discovered that A) Marcus isn't liked as much anymore. B) Amelia is getting more likes that both of them. C) Marcus is the second person in the final five to get more dislikes that likes on a video.
Little Mix were savaged by the judges on their first song, so that means they are definitely slipping, and Marcus is getting genuine dislike. Amelia is still being accused of being shouty, but the range she needs to tone is her soft vocals, her belting is fine!

So yeah, Amelia might completely rub it in Kellys face by winning. That will be awesome. See you next week, where I will be celebrating or weeping!


Final Note: I have realized I talk about Amelia way too much in these posts. As she is my favourite, it's applicable. I'm not biased though. Come on. I even sort of complimented Misha. I will promise next week Amelia praise will be toned down. Unless she wins. Then there will be a blog about how she should of won and why she is the best singer in the competition.
I'm turning in to that pink guy... christ.

Another Final Note: As the christmas holidays are coming, and X Factor is over, I am doing a week by week redesign with ALL contestants giving them songs that they would do the best with in terms of how good they are. That will be fun fun fun.

/post

Week 8: Guildty Pleasures and Heroes

So, I was nowhere near on my theme guesses. Balls. Oh well. I guess I better predict these.

Guilty Pleasures
Marcus: Someone Like You (Adele) - We all know Gary is a prick who can't keep his word, and he also said Marcus is going to do a 'ballit'. This fits both of those assumptions. In all honestly, anything over than jazz is unlikely.

Janet: Can I Play With Madness (Iron Maiden) - Some may know she is a fan of heavy metal (the only redeeming thing about her) so this would definitely come under as an X Factor 'guilty pleasure'. Stick a harp on that, bitch.
Misha: Champion (Chipmunk) - Misha did this twitter thing about guessing her songs. She retweeted two. This was one of them. No logic needed.
Amelia: Nobody's Perfect (Jessie J) - It's understandable from all her performances that she is incredibly open-minded. 60s Blues Rock at the audition, to Aretha Franklin last week. She covered a couple of Jessie J songs on Youtube. This is her only song I find tolerable.I'd honestly like to see an attempt.

Little Mix: Viva Forever (Spice Girls) - Any Spice Girls song is a guilty pleasure, and if anyone at my school likes them I'd probably kill them. This, I suppose, is a vocals showcase and could run on well from last weeks En Vogue performance.


Heroes
Marcus: A Stevie Wonder song - Is debate really needed?

Janet: No Idea - Absolutely no predictions can be made for her. Her inspirations and some Texan bloke and an Italian Alt Rock band that nobody has heard of. Sorry, but no guess.
Misha: Lose Yourself (Eminem) - This was the other one she retweeted. /end
Amelia: Family Portrait (P!nk) - Just imagining this make me think "Fucking hell, she could win if she did this". If there was a 3-song week and she did this, Hurt by Xtina (I'm just shortening in it now because I cant spell Aguleria (yes, it's a wrong spelling)) and E.T. by Katy Perry she would get a landslide victory.

Little Mix: Don't Stop Believin' (Journey) - One group cant have a single hero, but one of them is named after some bloke out of Journey so I did that song that I hate and everyone else loves.

The X Factor: Week 7 Results Show - The Breakdown

Dear The X Factor Audience, stop voting for Janet.

Yeah, she got through, but that is for later.

First, it was a group performance! They did that song by Bryan Adams, you know, When You're Gone. Yeah, that one. Still, the group performance was the same as ever. Then came Bryan, who did what he did best, not sing and just play guitar. Then he sung. I still don't forgive him for writing Everything I Do. Bastard.

Then it was that scouser woman who spoke to Marcus, or something. I thought she was boring last year, and this year she is even more boring. Meh song, meh singing. That's all I say.
Then came Rihanna, who I missed. Oops.

RESULTS TIME!
Misha... Little Mix... Marcus... Then there was three. Say Amelia, please.
WHAT! JANET! You bunch of fucking tone deaf fuckers. Oh well, it's an extra Amelia performance I suppose. That makes it a bit better. Also Craig is in the bottom two. He wasn't the worst last night (JANET JANET JANET JANET) but he was definitely weak. Hard sing-off to call.

Craig did some song by somebody. It was too slow. Nice vocals showcase, but not interesting. Down-tempo isn't his strong point. Mid-Tempo Soul-Blues *cough*Adele*cough* is his style.
Woop, here comes Amelia. She's doing You and I by Lady Gaga, which she will do really well. I know she will. You know she will. Everyone knows she will. Oh look, she did it well. It was really, really great. Kinda glad she was in the bottom two now.
I already knew the judges choces. Gary and Tulisa save Craig, Louis and Kelly save Amelia. That was correct. However, I am now going into a SUPAGARYRANT!
How dare that dimwit say Amelia was shouting. I mean, did he realize this was both of them tryign to survive in the competition. This isn't the time to randomly slate an opposing, and let's face it, better act. Next time you want to claim somebody can't sing or shouts through their performances, go and listen to anything that little prick Frankie did. Absolute turd.
Anyway, that ends Gary rant 1.0.
Deadlock came for the first time, and I was worried my other, probably most, favourite performer would be out. Craig was out. I sighed with relief. Then we reviewed Kirkby Biscuit Boy's journey. It featured him looking different and also him making sex faces. Bye Craig, you're best is still Jar of Hearts.

Meanwhile, Amelia is still in! I'd love her to do Hurt or Fighter by Christina Aguilera. Let's not forget, it's really difficult to sing a black womans song, especially if you aren't an R&B/Soul singer. So next weeks predictions! I said George Michael and Elton John for the theme, so let's do song-ing!

Elton John
Marcus: Crocodile Rock - He'll do this won't he? Paige did it last year and they are pretty alike. It's probably obvious

Janet: Your Song - Of course she'll do this, it's obvious.
Misha: Tiny Dancer (Hold Me Closer) - Yeah, that Ironik and Chipmunk version. A rule bend that will probably happen.
Amelia: Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting - As much as I'd hate to see it, she'd probably do this. Her growly vocals mike make this song good though. Oh, what am I kidding. She's always good.

Mix Up Their Names: Don't Go Breaking My Heart - It's got more people. A single person cant do a duet (unless your that bloke from Britains Got Talent) so they might.

George Michael
Marcus: Too Funky - It's an R&B song. Yeah I know.

Janet: Faith - This is the only song she could probably even attempt, but if she did Freeek! I'd vote for her.
Misha: Careless Whisper - She's doing crapballads now, so this is obvious.
Amelia: Praying for Time - No other GM song fits her style. Also, this would be good.

The Mix: This Is Not Real Love - Yeah, that song with Mutya Benya. Well, she's the same genre as Mix, right?


So yeah, my Kelly hate has been directed at Gary 'I Am A Massive Twat' Barlow today, for worthy reasons.

The X Factor: Week 7 Live Show - The Breakdown

Yes, I know. My predictions were shite. Still, Janet still should of done You'll Be in My Heart. It wouldn't have been as awful as the song she did do.
Anyway! Let's get one with the slating!

Dermot came out as Bond, and looked like a drunk trying to be George Lazenby. Also, there wasn't a spin! Dermot! You fucking idiot! He also made a couple of Star Wars references, and I called Imperial March for the Judge Intro.
I was nearly right, it was the Star Wars theme. Nerdbomb. Louis is wearing the same, Tulisa's tattoo now reads 'Little Mix will be unpredictable', Kelly is wearing a mosiac and Gary is dressed as an 80 year old. Then came the performances.

Up first was Kirkby's Biscuit Boy Craig. FYI, he's going out with Danyl from that other X Factor series. Again, with the boring ass VTs. He's doing a Bond song aaand (please be Diamonds are Forever)... it's License to Kill. For fucks sake. It's shite. It was his 2nd worst live performance, after Best Thing I Never Had. He's in trouble I reckon.
Next was Mrs. Pale Janet. Yeah, she didn't do Phil Collins, she did Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer. They went to Twilight or something (I would have stayed at the house) and apparently her and Kelly are friends. Well, not sworn enemies at least. She then did Kiss Me, a combination of crappy Floorfillers Week and her her annoying singing accent ala Fix You. Yeah, it was shit. She can't sing.
Next up was Amelia. She is my favourite, as you all know. Oh yeah, she might go blind 'cause of diabetes apparently. VT was about how she cant believe she's back (everyone else can) and how the girls went to a spa. She's also doing a song from Bridget's Jones Diary. It's Think by Aretha Franklin. It's her weakest performance, predominately because of song choice, but she definitely did as much as she could for the song. She belted it out and returned to the Hard Pop (No, I don't know either) genre she had Week 1. I think she has been the strongest so far, but as I say, not amazing.
Then came Misha 'No, I am not a Bully' B. That VT was fucking pointless. People go on about how Louis and Tulisa were tactically making her look bad, bit this wasn't better. We know nobody likes her, we know she is in the bottom two. This was just leverage for the crap singer she is. She's also doing a song from The Bodyguard. That means it is gonna be I Have Nothing. It was, and how fucking boring was that? I've seen more life in Janet. Nothing like her style, and nowhere did I find it interesting. Please Misha, go back to being a soul singer.
Next up was Madam Mix-a-Lot. They continued to get special treatment by meeting The Saturdays, who are also shit. Tulisa says they are going to be unpredictable, and unless they come out singing Arma-goddamn-motherfuckin-geddon by Marilyn Manson or Psychosocial by Slipknot, I don't believe her. They are doing that En Vogue song from that film that is more obscure than Gummo and actually, it's their strongest performance since E.T. Vocals were tighter than I had seen them do, and it's also rockier than their performance on Rock week. Hmm... nah... their safe.
Finally was Marcus 'I am never gonna do anything other than 50s swing soul' Collins. He did something from Ghostbusters. No, it wasn't that. Sadface. It is another fucking Jackie Wilson song! NO MARCUS! STOP DOING THAT GENRE! REET PETITE WAS GOOD! THIS WAS FUCKING SHIT! Yeah, I just said that. It was awful. I didn't like it. Also, it was from Ghostbusters 2! What a con!

So, a short'un. Next week is the return of the two songs. About time. I think Craig and Janet might slip into the bottom two this week, but you know who I want to be there *cough*Misha*cough* but I know she wont. If she is, and especially if she's in there with Marcus who was weak, she is gone. WOOP!

Predictions? Of course. Later. I think the two themes are:
Elton John
and
Michael Jackson

I'll do the songs after I know who is gone.